[PRIZES] Fan-Fiction Contest!

[Vinata]

We've been talking about contests for a while now, but the main obstacle has been finding a way to fund these contests. I am now tired of this (and also of being awake for so long) and have decided there is a really good way to fund such a contest: The money will be coming out of my wallet.

I'll be putting 1b isk up as the prize. Donations welcome!

Winnings

1st place gets 60% of the available winnings, 2nd place takes 30% and 3rd takes 10%. All three will get a person lifetime subscription to EVE Foreplay (which actually has a ton of stuff now) for either themselves or a poster of their choice.

Rules

I don't care what your fan-fic is about, as long as it is related to null-sec in some way. Maybe it is a fictional or otherwise exaggerated battle report, possibly a true enjoyment-esque snuff fanfic about some of the major players, I don't care. If you want it can also be super serious. Maybe your lone super serious fanfic will stand out amongst the "and then a dental drill was taken to his balls" entries. It is up to you!

Judging

Judging will be done by myself and however many other people on the mod staff decide they want to participate. Entries have to be received by Saturday, March 12th. We'll then take a week or two after that to argue amongst ourselves. The winners will be announced and the prizes awarded to them.

[Vinata]

Current Prize Pool: 2 billion isk

Entries

Iseeyouseemeseeyou - fanfic about his penis

Princess Guard - Mass Effect/Pandemic Legion crossover fanfic

Aurora148 - "Squad Broken" copy/paste fanfic (plagiarized)

dynast - blues, blues, more blues

Combat Scrub - How I learned to stop caring and shed the bearskin

CCP Nozh - chatlogs

Night - Contempt

Manfred Hideous - Vonquesha Shenaynay's No Good, Horrible, Rotten, Very Bad Day

Burnes - Observations on the Birds of Northern New Eden 1 2

Tyrael - A Transcript of a Conversation With She Who Touches Tralala's, So That You May Better Admire and Understand Her Rather Curious Nature

Twigandberries - MittaniXDBRB OTP & Hard Candy: Icelandic Edition

ImmaSplodeYourFace - Haiku 1 2 3

Phey Onat - Sensor Boosters.

Internet Spaceships - The Problems We Face

Agather - A Poem

Petyr - The Adventures of Steve and Martin

total - The Onset of War

Questions

Must entries be new or can we re-use things we've posted before?

As long as they've not been used in contests before.

The tl;dr crowd can't get through 4 paragraphs. For Fan-fic, what lengths are you looking at?

They can be any length, but realize really long entries might make judges vote against you. Unless it is really good.

[Snake]

I'll donate 500mil.

[Mr Coloredshirt]

Must entries be new or can we re-use things we've posted before?

[Phey Onat]

The tl;dr crowd can't get through 4 paragraphs. For Fan-fic, what lengths are you looking at?

[Razzor]

My Fanfiction Entry Coming Soon

Good luck but I think I will clearly win.

[Iseeyouseemeseeyou]

My Submission:

My dick was once 12 inches.

[Vinata's Cell Phone]

I can't figure out how to copy/paste on the iPhone with any ease, so no quoting for me.

Entries can't have been used in a contest before. They also have to be your own work

The entries can be any length, but realize if you make really long entries the judges will hate you unless it's really good.

If you're going to make a children's book kind of thing, wait on that. We'll have an art contest soon and comics and such will go there.

[Princess Guard]

Mass Effanfic I've been writing for my honourable spacefriends at ~pandemiclegion~

He is Commander John ' Elendar ' ?h?pard. Born April 11, 2154, h? spent his young years in space, as his mother served as an officer aboard the ?UTZ Alliance dreadnought Kilimanjaro. At the age of 16‚ he applied for voluntary ?p?cial Forc?s service in the alliance. He excelled in all categories, and was given the highest rating, N7. His first command was on Torfan. ?nsign Shepard was the lowest ranking officer in his battlegroup‚ with over two dozen special forces troopers assigned to its defense. It was to be the first day of Ensign ?h?pard's long and ch?ckered career. Batarian pirates and raiders fell upon Torfan, seeking to enslave the human populations and secure Torfan's boundless resources. After two days of fighting, Lieutenant Shepard was the only surviving officer, and the bunker where the Alliance found him was covered in the bodies of batarian dead. Two space marines were all that was left of the command. He was given the name ?lendar‚ whi?h is an old ?arth word for ' A man alon? '.

Princess Guard Presents
A Yhill Z0ne Production:

A planet glowed in the background. Massive clouds of blue and red gas warred for dominance over the planets surface, neither gaining advantage, neither giving ground.
A man sat illuminated by the planet. His name was Viper?hizzI?, and h? was the Illusive Man. For years he had organized and run the renegade group USTZ, which sought to advance humanity throughout the galaxy. A cigarette burned in his hand idly.
A young woman stood by his side. " Shepard did everything right " she said, " more then we could have hoped for. Saving the Inner Council went a long way to bringing humans onto the Council. But still it's not enough." She turned to Viper, a look of disgust on her face. Viper flicked his cigarette, reading files on the recent D?V attack on the Citadel.
" Aliens may control the Council‚ but Elendar remains our best hope."
The woman turned and walked toward him, breaking the floating holographic interface.
" But they're sending him to fight NC. NC! We both know they're not the real threat. The DEV's are still out there."
Viper took a quick drag on his cigarette, then backhanded the woman. " Christ bitch, I can't concentrate with all your fucking yapping. Operative Mintchip, you are ordered to take any measures to keep Elendar alive. There's a fucking Ohio game on so get the fuck out of my holographs and shit." He punched her again while she was on the ground recovering from his first vicious attack, and this new blow caught her behind the ear. Blood streaming down her face, tears in her eyes, she ran out into the hallway. Viper cracked open a beer.

One month after the devastating NC attack on the Inner Council, the galactic community struggles to rebuild.
The EUTZ Fleet made a tremendous sacrifice to save the Council and earn EUTZ a place in their prestigious group. Now the Council is forced to respond to evidence that the Devs - enormous machines that eradicate all organic civilizations every 50,000 years - have returned. To quell the rumors, the Council has sent Commander ?h?pard and th? Normandy to wipe out the last pockets of NC Resistance. Officially, they blame the invasion on the NC and their leader, Saren Andertaris, a rogue SP?CTRE.

But for those who know the truth‚ the search for answers is just beginning...

An Alliance frigate glides through the darkness of space. It is the ?SV Normandy SR-1, th? human/turian d?signed warship. With a state of the art Mass ?ffect drive core and experimental stealth systems‚ it is the most advanced ship of its kind. Navigator GrogothDrem stood at the galaxy map, coordinating the flight through the dark night. Technician Velonad had failed to account for planetary gravity and the ship had slide off course slightly. Navigator Drem cursed and hounded him for his failures, outlining his moral, physical, and spiritual failings, adding finally that Velonad " was a nigger ".
" Disengaging FTL Drives " Rive said from the cockpit. He toggled a switch, and shouted " EMI?SION SINKS ACTIVE, Board is gr??n, we are running silent. " Navigator Drem shook his head. " If we were running silent, you faggot, we wouldn't have to hear your fucking whiny talk, pansy ass cripple. "
Grogoth walked down the hallway to the cockpit, looking over the charts on his datapad. " We're wasting our time. Four days searching up and down this sector and there has been no sign of NC activity "
Rive rolled his eyes, adjusting his Fleet Issue Normandy SR-1 headgear. " Three ships went missing here in the last month. Something happened to them. " Grogoth gestured out beyond the cockpit glass, " My moneys on niggers. The Terminus System is crawling with them."

Alarms went off in the cockpit. " Unidentified ship on scanner, looks like a cruiser class. Doesn't match any known signatures " Rive said, bringing the ship about to get the best scan readings. Rive adjusted his crippled legs, they were itching something terrible today. The seat in the cockpit was military issue, and it just didnt fit his flabbing ass right.
Rive doubled checked his readings, then did a double take. " Cruiser is changing course, it's moving on an intercept trajectory !" Moving in directly behind the Normandy, a huge vessel loomed, eclipsing the sun. It looked to be cut straight from rock.
Grogoth shook his head again. " Can't be. Stealth systems are engaged. There's no way an NC ship could possibly... " Rive screamed out " ITS NOT TH? NC. HOTDROP IN PROGRESS‚ CYNO OPEN "
A gigantic doomsday beam reached out from the cruiser, slicing off drive 3 from it's housing. Rive tried pitifully to keep control of the ship, but his brittle arm bones and atrophied muscles couldn't keep the stick under control. Navigator Drem cried out, then bumped his head on the co-pilots chair. This would be his last utterance, as he slowly expired on the cockpit floor from cranial hemorraging.
" Kinetic Barriers down, weapons offline, somebody get that fire out " Rive cried, pointing to one of the crewmembers. " Fuck you " nmeh said as he ran off the bridge to a lifepod. Twice more the horrible beam struck out, each time stripping away armor in its hellacious golden glory.

The emergency lighting kicked on. Troubadour, an asari scientist, ran through the ship, the screams of the dead and dying echoing the halls. He/she passed numerous blown circuits and fires, but none of it mattered. He/she had to reach ?h?pard.
Standing at a consol?, looking large and imperious as ever, Shepard slid his Vacuum suit helmet on. " ?lendar " Troubadour cried. He turned‚ looking fucking amazing in his ski glasses like helmet. " Distress beacon is ready for launch " he said as a way of greeting. Troubadour fitted his/her helmet on as well. " Will the Alliance get here in time " he/she asked, practically on the verge of crying.
An explosion wracked the ship, throwing Trou into a bulkhead. He/she steadied his/her self. Elendar reached down and picked up the 20th century style fire extinguisher, and started hosing down the fires to the escape pod ports. " I'm notdoing this just so they can find our frozen corpses " he said, spraying the fire in full effect " get everyone to the escape pods." " Rive is still in the cockpit " Trou returned " He won't abandon ship. He is some kind of faggot. I'm not leaving either. "
Elendar stormed over to Trou, and grabbed his/her arm. " I need you to evac the crew to the escape shuttles. I'll 'take care' of Rive." Elendar jogged over to the command console, and hit the button marked Abandon ?hip, No Troll! wat?r spray?d from the ceiling, and an annoying loud alarm blared out. A computerized voice pinged the crew, informing them that they were getting buttfucked and they should deagress and clear local asap. Troubadour watched as the escape pod filled, and with only one spot left Technician velonad came running around the corner. An explosion wracked the ship again, and he was thrown down the hall. Wanting to save himself, Trou hit the eject button, closing the door on Velonad as he crawled slowly toward the escape pod. " Loss of blood " Velonad moaned " my only weakness."

The Normandy rotated on three axis. The engines still ran at low power, jets of fire and steam shot out the cracks in the hull, causing rollover. The entire middle of the ship was cored out, with emergency kinetic barriers holding the atmosphere in the areas still crewed. The ship ponderously drifted into the planets atmosphere. ?xplosions and flames jumped out at Shepard all around him. Elendar charged through his dying ship‚ storming toward the cockpit. He was a juggernaut of determination. At last he reached the Galaxy Map panel to set course. The hull all around was shot, and all the noise from the ship was damped by the vacuum of space. It was almost beautiful, the duality of the fire and ice, the freezing, stark, beautiful cold of space and the burning hell of the ship. There was a hurricane on the ?outh?rn H?misphere of the planet above. An duraplast bar from the ships hull drifted past him, which he was careful to avoid. Though it had no weight in space, it still had mass and could strike him with the force of an angry god. ?lendar clomped down the length of the bridge‚ his magnetic boots all that was between himself and certain death floating forever through space. Finally, he pushed through the emergency kinetic barrier at the cockpit, sound returning all around him. Rive pushed buttons and pulled joysticks like a pro, struggling to keep the ship alive. " Come on Rive, we have to get out here " Elendar shouted. Rive pulled some levers dramatically, turning dials like his life depended on it. " No, I won't abandon the Normandy, I can still save her!"
Elendar grabbed Rive tunic and lifted him slightly out the chair, turning Rive's heard toward. "The Normandy's dead -- just like us if we don't get the hell out of here "
The hostile ship came around for another attack run, rocking the ship with its deadly beam. Commander ?h?pard lift?d Rive out of his chair and carried his crippled ass down the hallway, Rive's flimsy limbs flinging about. Shepard bodily threw Rive into the escape pod, and was slammed away from the open door by a new explosion. The ship's ammo hanger took a critical hit, and ?lendar was thrown across the bridge. In a final act of defiance‚ he floated a?ross th? ship and slapp?d the eject button, tossing Rive's escape pod into the great unknown of space. The ship exploded around ?lendar‚ tossing him freely into spa??, br?aking his neck in the process. From inside his suit he could hear the deadl? hiss of a tear‚ the oxygen his blood hungers for flowing out into the darkness. His final thoughts were of his favorite sniper rifle, still se?ur?d in his quart?rs, now entombed like him to float forever in the upper atmosphere of this no-name planet. Then his skin froze from the cold, and his e?es exploded from the pressure change.
__________________

(I'd like to start off first by apologizing to Mr Rive. He was apparently very emotionally distraught over his recent portrayal as Joker, and so as requested Lee_Dalton will be taking his place.)



After two years, Operative Mintchip's efforts paid off.
The Lazarus project was a success.
?h?pard had b?en brought back from the dead.
After fighting his way free of the burning space station, ?lendar meet with Viper to assess the situation. As a paragon of virtue‚ ?h?pard could not abid? working for USTZ. He would cooperate only so long as they stayed on the level with him. He remembered the horrible experiments and fleet fits USTZ had introduced. They were a terrorist organization who had acted against the Council more then once, and ?lendar was a loyal SPECTRE still.
However‚ U?TZ was th? only on? listening to Shepard now, and the only one's doing anything about the D?V threat. The gave him a team‚ weapons, and a target. The team, Fintroll, a Mississippi Black nigger, With big nigger lips and sparkling white teeth, the better to impress women with. Mintchip, U?TZ op?rativ? who was secretly in love with Shepard.

After meeting with his old teammate Mazz'illiu vas Raya on Freedom's Progress, in search the threat to humanity, Shepard demanded a new team. To meet this Collector threat on the field of battle would require champions of justice. To that end, the Illusive Man had provided ?lendar with a free ship reimbursement‚ the Normandy ?R-2, with l?ath?r seats and a new elevator system. Already onboard was Lee_Dalton, who was interrogating the ship's AI, M.a.Z.
Viper had used his vast forum accounts to assemble a team of the most Deluxe Cutthroats from across the galaxy, and now it was up to ?lendar to bring them in to fight the Collectors. Their first stop would be Omega. A more wretched hive of scum and vilslany you will not find.

Elendar walked down the docking bay hall with Fintroll and Mintchip in tow. Already tired of their pedantic whining and grandiose speeches about morality‚ or their time with the EUTZ, or whatever shit popped into their head, they were both under strict orders never to speak again. Fintroll had numerous bruises on his face, and a cracked rib, as a testament to his willingness to keep on talking.
A salarian approached them from the end of the dock. ?h?pard could cl?arly see he was high on red sand or some shit, dude was juiced. And he was heading straight for Shepard. Another useless faggot wanting to pour out his life's story.
"Ah, welcome to Omega, you're new here aren't you. I can tell--" The salarian was cut off as a batarian cuffed him offside the head. This one meant business. After almost a week of being alive, Shepard had finally found someone worth communicating with.

" Leave faggot, now." the batarian told the salarian, gesturing to his sidearm SMG. " Of course Moklan, whatever she wants " the salarian replied, making for the door in haste. Moklan swatted after him. He turned to ?lendar and said " Blasted scavengers" He gave a short bow and added " Welcome to Omega‚ ?h?pard. "
El?ndar was surprised. He had, after all, been dead for two years. " You know who I am? "
" Of course. We had you tagged the moment you entered the Terminus Systems. You aren't as subtle as you think. Aria wants to know what brings a dead SP?CTRE to Omega. I suggest you go to Afterlife now and present yourself‚ NOW!"
" Cut the attitude, mate " Elendar replied. The batarian looked disgusted, and pointed at Elendar. " Things explode around you ?h?pard. Aft?rlife, now. "
Now free of the batarians interference, and thoroughly annoyed by his rough treatment ( After all, He, Commander Shepard, was an honorable spaceship captain, a ranked officer, and a SP?CTRE. These peons weren't even in the same league as he ) he noticed what seemed to be a beatdown happening at the end of the hall. A chance to finally show off his whiteknighting skills to Mintchip!
Elendar stormed down the hall and grabbed the man beating the poor batarian‚ and punched him in the face. It was then that he noticed it was one of the dudes he was here to recruit. " You Zentiy Massani? " ?h?pard ask?d, fist raised to rain more blows on this pikey Southlander.
" Yeah that's me " Zentiy replied, his childish voice taking on an annoying tone. He had pissed his pants in fear after Shepards blow from behind. " I hear we got a gor-ram galaxy to save, lets get right on it. But first, let me tell you about my backstory and why I'm important."
?lendar cut him off. " Noone gives a shit about you nigger shit. The only reason anyone played your DLC was because it came free. Report to the fucking cargo hold and stay there!" As he said this‚ Elendar rained blows down like the fist of an angry god. Perhaps this kind of machismo would show Mintchip that he was an alpha male.

His AI sent him a message. "I'm Receiving quarantine warnings about the slums where Dr Dancul1001 ?olus runs his clinic. Anticipat? r?sistance at the transport station. I have also accessed messages between mercenary groups regarding plans to deal with Archangel. There's a recruiting station at Afterlife that may have information on him." M.a.Z. said. 'You know' ?lendar thought ' for an AI he is the only useful human being I've communicated with in years.'
Shepard stepped out of the docking concourse and walked straight over to the club Afterlife. There was a long line outside‚ and some pubbie was trying to get in claiming to know Aria. ?h?pard just walk?d past all the krogan bouncers, to the complaints of all those in line. 'Rank hath it's privilege, peons' ?lendar thought.
As he walked down the hallway to Afterlife‚ Fintroll tugged on his arm and pointed at the batarian sitting on the lounge couch. Elendar's hatred for batarians surged to the forefront of his brain. They had killed almost all his men on Torfan, they had threatened human worlds during the Bring Down the ?ky incid?nt, and as Z?ntiy Massani might say, they were " Gor-ram terrorists ".
?lendar casually walked over to the batarian and stared at him for a minute. After more casual conversation with his two female companions‚ the batarian turned to look at ?h?pard. " what ar? you looking at.. It's him! The Butcher of Torfan. I... I thought you were dead. " The batarian rose from the couch. " I am Jogyn'Rus, and you killed my father on Torfan, my brothers on X57, and my sister on the Citadel. You will die for your genocidal crimes against the batarian people, Shepard!" He screamed with a bloodrage. Jogyn'Rus's bodyguards produced rifles, but Fintroll and Mintchip were already staring down their M-12 LOCUST SMG's. The batarians wisely choose to put their weapons down.
" FIN? " screamed Jogyn'Rus " It shall be an honor battle in the ways of old ". The batarian flicked his hand‚ and suddenly he had three throwing daggers between his fingers. He tossed two at Elendar, who had deftly dodged them. ?cr??ching like a wild boar, driven by the honor of his clan, Jogyn'Rus advanced on Shepard with his final knife. Shepard reached behind his back and took out a pistol like object, and shoved it towards Jogyn'Rus's face.

?verything in the hallway stopped‚ Jogyn'Rus's knife almost to ?h?pard but not quit? there. " How, how could I be defeated " Jogyn'Rus cried out. As with all Mass ?ffect weapons, it wasn't actually a pistol. The receiver folded back into a shock absorbant stock, the barrel extending three times it's length, and a sniper scope rising out of the rails. The gun had gone from merely pointing at Jogyn'Rus's head to having the barrel hovering an 2.54 centimeters from his eye.
From around Elendars helmet, two black spokes deployed over his ears, extending to his face, then swung down blackened glass monocles over his eyes.
" Deal with it " Elendar said.
Then he whipped the rifle up and back down, knocking Jogyn'Rus unconcious. It would be rude of him, a paragon of virtue, to kill this man on his host's doorstep. Besides, he already got to beat Zentiy.
Shepard walked into Afterlife.

After talking with Aria, Elendar decided it would be much more important to recruit a Deluxe Cutthroat like Archangel then a backline scientist like Dr. ?olus. Aft?r signing up as a m?rcenary to ' take down ' Archangel, ?lendar was presented with a screen he had never seen before. He could actually pick squad members. Immediately‚ he dismissed the blackie Fintroll. He noticed a new squad member he had not seen yet, Kasumi Goto. Elendar, being a ladies man, decided to take Kasumi and Mintchip with him.

After meeting face to face with Kasumi, however, Elendar wished he had made a wiser choice. " Ni Hao " Centra ?pik? said. " Who ?lse would cosplay a short asian girl who steals things for a living. There aren't enough chicks in PL. "
Commander Shepards mind was blown. " I don't know what you are talking about, Centra. There is like some fourth wall shit going on here. " Centra patted him on the back. "No worries, it's going to get even more wierd later. "

And so, with Mintchip and Centra in tow, ?lendar advanced upon the stronghold of the Archangel.
Some random batarian started talking at him‚ so Elendar cuffed him. Like a boss, Elendar advanced down the hallway, checking all the crates for money or lose objects. After stumbling upon a storeroom with a giant death robot, Elendar successfully disabled its friend/foe tracking system. Mintchip clapped her hands " Perfect, it'll be hostile if they activate it." Elendar beamed, thriving in the sunlight of her attention.
Further down the hall, more random batarians wanted to talk to him, but Elendar dodged and weaved like a pro, dropping the old english pomposity on them. Finally, he reached his contact ??rg?ant Cathka. Cathka was working on fixing up the gunship. As ?lendar went to talk to the Sergeant‚ time slowed down. He felt as if he was moving underwater. 'what new devilry is this?' he thought. When he looked back up at Cathka, Elendar realized the batarian had been talking to him but he hadn't noticed. Hanging above Cathka's head was a wheel shaped object. 'My god, am I mad?' Elendar pondered. Around the wheel were two sentances. 'Who?' one said, and 'I'm here now'. As he though of either one, it began to highlight. Madness. MADNE?S.
Was this som? sort of backlash of th? cybernetics that were keeping him alive? Or a side effect of the street drugs he did with Mintchip to show her he was a rebel who didn't play by the rules? But when he looked over at her, she had her typically vapid stare, nothing new inside her brain.
He realized he wasn't left with a choice here. Time seemed almost at a standstill. He must pick a line of dialouge. Was this the fourth wall shit Centra had spoken of before? NO! He was Commander John ?lendar Shepard‚ and he played by nobody's rules. Time began to speed up, Elendar slowly reached his finger out to give this batarian the finger wag of his life, followed by the traditional United Kingdom scathing retort. But Cathka was distracted by call on his console.
" Target is in sight " one of the scouts called over the radio.
Time snapped back to it's normal pace.
Cathka leaned over the monitor screaming " Check, Bravo Team, go go go. Irene, I say again, Irene. "
Elendar looked down, saw a sparking electrical tool. ?udd?nly his mind had a thought. L?ft click. He didn't know what that meant, but he was going with it. It seemed renegadey, for someone who didn't play by the rules. Cathka's back was turned, hunched over his gunship repairs. " Fuckin' Irene " ?lendar said‚ then shoved the sparking electrical tool into the batarian's back. One more stinking nigger dying a horrible death, one more pirate lowsec trash removed from his presence.
As Elendar walked away in slow motion, he smiled at the horrifying death rattle of a batarian being electrocuted to death.

Four of the other freelancer mercs were heading over to Archangel's stronghold to kill him. Elendar and his team followed them over the barricade, and Elendar hit the deck as a sniper round flew past his head and impacted on the barricade. 'Concussive shot?' he thought. The round wouldn't have dealt any damage if it had hit him. Could Archangel know he had friendlys coming in?
Like all good pubbies, the freelancers deciding running through open ground and not working together would be the best strategy to defeat an entrenched sniper with the high ground. One of them was smart enough to bring a grenade launcher, however, and its shot flew past Archangel's head, impacting somewhere in his second floor loft. Archangel was backlight. He was a turian, of course, wearing blue infiltration armor. A heavily customized sniper rifle in hand, Archangel peeked around the corner, took sight, and blew a freelance pubbies head off, then ducked behind cover again. It all happened so fast, the other pubs still hadn't scattered to their own cover. But soon enough, numbers would win out. One man could not hold out forever against the army assembled here.
" Archangel doesn't have much time left " Mintchip said, backseat FCing as usual. " We've got nothing better to do" Centra added, filing his nails down. 'His cosplay outfit is amazing' Elendar thought. However, he needed to remind them who the boss was.
"Listen up you cunts. ?tow your shit in all your orific?s and tight?n up, because we are going to do WHAT IS N?CESSARY to complete the mission‚ AT ANY CO?T." El?ndar brought out his brand n?w Cerberus issue sniper rifle, and unfolded it to it's full length. As the pubs once again flowed past him, he took aim to shoot one in the back.
'My god' he thought ' it's happening again.' For ?lendar‚ time slowed down as he sighted in his target. As he inched the reticle over the back of the womans head, he pulled the trigger fiercely as any warrior would. Time slapped back to its normal pace, the front of the womans face now painting the sidewalk for at least three meters, her headless body careening to the ground.
?uch pow?r, such pow?r.
Again he took aim, time slowing down. Mintchip said something, but her voice was heavily distorted and almost baritone. Centra had brought up her smg and was spraying shots into another pub, the man flailing about as bullets filled his chest cavity with lead rather then precious oxygen. ?lendar took too long lining up the shot‚ and time snapped back to normal. His bullet slammed past the targets head to hit the wall. The charging freelancers turned around and opened fire on Elendars team, but our heros stormed past the pubs and charged for the staircase. Centra disappeared for a moment, then reappeared behind the guy at the bottum of the staircase. The man was shouting for them to stop and throw down their weapons. Centra's omnitool turned into a blade, and he stabbed the man in the back of the head. Mintchip jumped over a coffee table, uselessly spraying smg bullets behind the team to cover their retreat. ?h? took two bull?ts to the chest, but fortunately her kinetic barriers caught them. ?lendar leaned sideway and swiveled back‚ firing his sniper rifle no s?op? across th? chest at the shooter. Two slugs took the man in the chest and lifted him off the ground and over the guardrails. He plummeted screaming to his death. Mintchip winked at him. ?lendar swiveled again and brought his rifle cleanly in line with the man at the bottum of the stairs. He thought Centra had taken care of him.
Elendar's grip was tightening on the trigger for that last quarter pound of pressure‚ when the mans mouth opened to talk. His arms were dangling by his sides strangely. He seemed to be held up by his ne?k. " I apologiz? for my disr?spect earlier " a voice said " Please, proceed ahead. No need to put your weapons down." The man collapsed, his jaw no longer moving. In his place was Centra, who had been reaching into the back of his skull like a ventriliquist. " That is exceedingly disturbing Centra " ?lendar said. " Keep up the good work. "

(Next episode has another guest appearance by crowd favorite Jogyn'Rus, and once again his life hangs in the balance.)

Elendar walked through the door, rifle following his eyes, the skills he learned in the Alliance military making his ' high ready ' stance as natural as breathing.
Archangel was on the palisade, his rifle scoped. Elendar dropped his line of fire, putting the rifle at rest. With a smooth pull the trigger broke clean, putting Archangel's headshot perfectly through the pubbies left eye. All the enemy's on the bridge had been dealt with.
Archangel put his rifle butt down on the floor, using it as a crutch to help him stand. Obviously tired from two days of fighting solo against hundreds of mercenaries, he collapsed onto a crate, leaving his rifle at unsafteyed between his legs. It looked awesome as hell.
Archangel took his helmet off and put one of his feet up on another crate. " ?h?pard " h? said. It was Garrus ' Phreeze ' Vakarian, one of ?lendar's old team members. " I thought you were dead. "
Elendar was shocked. " What are you doing here?" Phreeze straightened up slightly‚ working a kink out of his neck. " Good to see you too " putting the old american sarcasm behind it. Elendar snorted, " I'm just surprised to see you here. Well anyway, I'm sure you've been shooting dudes for awhile, but let's not reminsice during an O.K. Corral moment. That would be like something out of a bad movie. What have we got? "

Phreeze pulled out a map. " Noobjuice and his Eclipse mercs seem to be the next ones preparing to go across the bridge. They have been holding back ?higsy's Blood Pack for a final push. Saint Schala has units h?r? and here, but his waffle's are waiting for the gunship before going in."
" That bridge has saved my life, acting as a fatal funnel. All the FC's seem to be purging their idiots into my scope. But it works both way's. They'll slaughter us like pubbies if we try to get out that way. Our best bet is to D2 special until they siege green."
" So we just sit here and wait for them to take us out " Mintchip asked, spreading her hands at hip level. Her eye's were locked on Phreeze, and so she didn't see ?lendar's pimp hand‚ fresh with baby powder, backhand her freshly across the face. " Bitch " Elendar asked " Did I say you could talk? "
" It not all that bad " Phreeze said, peripherally acknowledging Mintchip's question, but otherwise ignoring her, as one would a prostitute in one's way at a high society party. " I suggest we hold this location, wait for a crack in their defense, then hotdrop dem bitch's. It's not a perfect plan, but it's a plan. Hoo-ah "
Elendar straightened up, checked to make sure he had nine in the magazine and one in the breech. " Lets En~ga~ge " he said.
Phreeze noticed some movement out the windows. He brought his rifle around, scanning the bridge perimeter. " Hmm, looks like some movement. ?couts... Eclips? I think. " In th? background behind the barricade, he caught a glimpse of Noobjuice feasting on some canadian bacon while he sent his men to their deaths. His men at least had proper armament, but Noobjuice himself had at least two sensor boosters and no kinetic barriers. Phreeze handed ?lendar the rifle to scout. He spotted in one of the scouts‚ and blew his head off. The kickback on Phreeze's customized rifle was considerably less then Elendar's current Cerberus rifle or his previous rifle before he died. It was indeed an elegant killing machine.

Phreeze shifted back to a kneeling position, steadying his rifle on the windowsill. " I'm going to shoot from here, you, you do what you do best. " Military doctrine was that Elendar's team should hold the first floor at the easily defensible positions. Elendar didnt play by the rules. He slide into a sniping position next to his good friend Phreeze. " Mintchip, Centra, Take up defensive positions downstairs by the entrance. "

The battle was glorious. Round after round was steady pumped from Elendar's rifle, each one cleanly taking off a head. Now that he had become experienced with his newfound and unexplained ability to slow time, headshotting slow moving zero transversal pubs in a fatal funnel was almost childs play. The one soldier who did make it half across the bridge was cut down by a storm of smg fire from Centra, followed by three or four poorly aimed pistol rounds from Mintchip, all of which failed to engage the target.
Noobjuice had finished his hamsteak, and was surprised to see his tactical assault had failed. " All right, I want to know whats going on aboot here. ??nd in th? Mech. "
Phreeze stiffened up, looking desperately like he needed to take a shit. After days of fighting, his hard won american cool was broken in the face a giant death robot storming his perimeter. ?lendar light up a joint laying around on the ground. " Relax man‚ I got this under control and shit. " " You know there is PCP in that, not marijuana right? " Phreeze said.

Elendar had fortunately tampered with the Mech's programming early. It was against Alliance code to tamper with any military hardware, but he was noone's bitch. As more of Noobjuice's Himmelfahrtskommando's streamed over the barricade, their own mech turned on them. It was a terrifying and thunderous experience. Liquid fire roared from its minigun, slicing humans and salarians cleanly in two. Turians had a harder bone structure, and were pinned against the barricade by a barrage of bullets that ate at their skeleton. Occasionally one would almost get past the mech, which would then engage its gigantic plasma rocket launcher. Covered in thousand degree celcius burns, the targets would throw themselves off the bridge rather then continue to suffer for their brief existances. Every so often the mech would pause to release it's heat sinks on the rear, causing hissing and steamclouds that only added to it's horrifying presence.
Finally the commandos ( If one can call a team of complete failures who lack basic stealth skills commandos ) ran out of men, but had succeeded in taking down the mech. Only Noobjuice was left, alone, to ponder. What to do, he asked himself. I have been stripped of my role as an elite mercenary leader by circumstance and fate. But noone fucked with Noobjuice. Leaping over the barrier with his kinetic barriers at full, he held an smg in each hand and went out blazing. Down the fatal funnel, eating continual rounds from Phreeze and Elendar's rifles, he shrugged it off. Mintchip rose from behind cover, getting off a solid shot to Noobjuice's face. His kinetic barrier caught it and failed, the bullet stopping just before his face then dropping to the ground. For Noobjuice, time slowed down. He lept over the crate Mintchip was cowering behind, extending and locking his arms. The ?MG's point?d down, h? unloaded their full clips in under a quarter second at their highest firing rate. By the time he hit the ground, both his shoulders were blown from their sockets. Many of the poorly aimed rounds had missed, but Noobjuice's spectacular and stylish dive had taken out Mintchips shields and left her unconcious and bleeding. Centra moved in, preparing to stab Noobjuice and end it. At what seemed like the last second, he rolled away, his keen sixth sense detecting the incoming blow. Using ancient martial arts developed in his home country, he engaged Centra with only his feet and head as weapons. ?lendar had made his way down the stairs‚ but the fighting was too ?los? quart?rs and lightning fast to take a shot off without injuring a teammate. Though he was, of course, sorel? tempted to.
For almost ten seconds the fight went on. In an amazing series of combinations‚ Noobjui??'s Canadian Capo?ira had put Centra on the defensive, unable to use her blade or gun at such short range. But finall?‚ the la?k of arm usag? told out. It was quick and sil?nt severing of roles as the blade smoothl? entered Noobjuice's skull. " Die with honor my friend " Centra said. " You will forever be in our hearts ."
__________________

An explosion rocked the building, and an earthquake began to build. " Damn it ?h?pard, th?y've breached the lower levels. Well, they had to use their brains eventually. You'd better get down there. I'll keep the bridge clear." With all the PCP he just smoked, ?lendar started having his hallucinations about the conversation wheel. Almost all the choices involved leaving a team member behind to protect Phreeze. Who to pick?
Centra tapped Elendar on the arm‚ pulling him out of his drug hazed reverie. " You realize Mintchip is still unconcious right, mate? Maybe you should drop some medi-gel. " Elendar glanced over and tapped his omni-tool to administer the dosage. He noticed that Mintchip's hoop earrings were conspicuously absent, and Centra seemed to be wearing Mintchip's fingerless gloves. With team members this barely competent, he couldn't afford to leave a man behind.
" We're on our way " Elendar said, hefting his sniper rifle over his shoulder. Phreeze glanced back," I'll radio directions if you need help, but you've got to get down there quick RED PEN. "
?om? minut?'s later, Shigsy's Blood Pack crew lay strewn over the basement. Wild Coven, a type of dog ferret native to Tuchuncka, had accompanied the attack team. Coven were known for their loud barks, collective mindset, and gathering of shiny objects. Occasionally a mutant Coven could breathe fire.
Shigsy himself had passed behind Shepards team and was assaulting Phreeze's position.
" Argghg! Rip dem tae shraeds, me foine lads." One of the hon crew members standing near Shigsy folded in half after catching a sniper round in the gut, removing all three of his kidneys. Shigsy made eye contact with his old nemesis. " Me laddies, warch me arse. I'll deal wit Ar'k Ahngel. " As Shigsy's elite Hon crew setup to protect the staircase, ?lendar and his team of avengers came around from behind‚ automatic weapons fire ripping into their fraile, pale bodys.
?om?thing crack?d within Mintchip. Beaten, torn, overworked and underpaid, underappreciated and unloved, her innate sense of leadership rose to the forefront. Moving like a wraith, she streamed past ?lendar and through the incoming bullets like a wraith‚ ducking beside a sofa and peeking from behind to provide headshots left and right. Adrenaline flowed through her veins, and her skin went porcelain. Using her mind powers, she lifted one duder off the staircase and into Centra's line of fire. It was a krogan, and Centra took the time to shoot him in his quad of testicles. Centra disappeared in a electronic haze, and reappeared behind a Coven crawling on the floor. Using his omnitool blade, he gutted it along the length of it's spine.
Elendar sat behind a pillar, amazed at the level of confidence and competence his team was showing. His personal leadership and charisma must be inspiring enough to bring out the best in them. ???ing two Hon Crew running at Mintchip, he unslung his grenade launcher and shot one through the head. The round passed through the head, bounced off the chest armor of the second, and exploded. Within these few short second, the ground floor was clear. With no time to celebrate, and the sounds of a raging krogan tearing apart a turian coming from upstairs, ?lendar pulled out his short range heavy pistol‚ and made his way quickly up the staircase, arms locked in front of him in a Weaver ?tanc?. B?ing a renegade, ?lendar eschewed the more modern Isoceles stance as hookum and stuck with the traditional stance of policemen everywhere.

Phreeze called on the radio. " Shigsy's got me pinned down. " Elendar rounded the corner at the top of the staircase " I'm going to need some help in here Shepard." Phreeze sounded worried‚ and tired, and like an angry krogan was sticking a shotgun around a corner and firing at his head.
Elendar had almost reached the entrance to the patio when an angry krogan with tattered armor stepped out from around the corner and launched himself down the hall. Elendar took a reflex shot, then held the trigger and waved the gun in the general direction of the krogan's massive head. Even already he could see the krogans amazing resistance to damage patching his skin to the horrific damage of fifty cal hollowpoints." Krogan charging, welp " Centra cried, running back down the hall, looking away. A krogan collision with his frail asian body could cause permanent damage, death, or halitosis. Mintchip once more summoned her mind powers as the krogan body slammed Elendar. As Elendar hit the deck like ?higsy's favorit? sack'o'tatos, th? krogan was pulled flying into the ceiling. Mintchip pressed her smg into it's collarbone and pulled the trigger.
The thermal clip ejected from her pistol as the body dropped to the floor in front of her. She was covered in the blood, guts, and ground bone of an adult krogan, and ?lendar thought she had never looked so beautiful. Centra was still running in the opposite direction‚ trying to find a bookcase to hide behind.

Reloading and switching to his smg, Elendar popped around the corner. Time slowed down, his PCP induced haze letting him ' see ' his opponents stats. Phreeze was behind a soda where ?higsy was putting rounds through it, all th? whil? Shigster was screaming arachaic Gaylic curses and occasionally ' tam-o-shanter '. ?lendar took the time to sight in‚ and unloaded his whole magazine on the back of ?higsy's skull. His kin?tic barri?r caught the full load and didnt even break halfway. One of the drawbacks of using the M- Locust SMG was it's damage. While longer ranged and more accurate, it actually dealt less damage at closer range then it's three shot counterpart. In fact, ?lendar had no short range equipment‚ and was ill suited for this bar brawl broken Irizh whiskey bottle knock down drag out fight. ?higsy's r?turn blast with both barr?ls of his 'boomstick' shred all of the shields off ?lendar. Now Elendar and Phreeze‚ both long range snipers, were trapped behind couchs fighting a drunken Irishman. Mintchip came around the corner, flying into battle, punching ?higsy in th? fac?. His shields went down, but he rewarded her efforts by shooting her in the face in return, knocking her unconcious once more. ?lendar popped up to shoot Shigsy‚ but Centra had decloaked between him and the target. Centra went for his trademark stabbing, only to break his blade on the krogans armor. ?higsy lift?d up th? lightweight asian and tossed him off the balcony to the first floor. Seeing his blood on the floor and feeling at least three broken ribs and a leg, Centra's only response was " Cripes " before passing out.

?lendar was alone once more. He did the only thing he knew how. A game of cat and mouse began. Elendar popped up behind the couch‚ shooting ?higsy in th? h?ad armor, blinding him with tracers. Then he would duck down to reload, and move clockwise around the couch. Shigsy was far too drunk to figure jumping over the couch, and just followed ?lendar clockwise around. By the end of the fight‚ Elendar had expelled hundreds of rounds but had yet to take another hit. Finally, he nailed ?higsy in his ?y?. " Ach, me eye. Me foine eye. ?y be needin' dis eye. " Repeating Mintchip's earlier move‚ he took advantage of ?higsy's distraction and cav?man l?vel intelligence to stick his smg into his opponents mouth and hold down the trigger. A few shattered teeth and a ruined gun barrel later, Shigsy lay dead on the floor, his brains 20m on the far wall.
Adminstering doses of medigel all around, ?lendar saw to Phreeze. " Thanks Shepard‚ they barely got through to me. And we took out ?higsy and his Blood Pack. This day just g?ts b?tter and better. " Phreeze wiped some blood off his rifle. " He was one tough son of a bitch " Phreeze added, looking distantly in memory.

" You fought with him before? " ?lendar asked. Mintchip and Centra took seats on the couch. This was their favorite part of the last game‚ backstory.
" Yeah we tangled once. Caught him alone in a dark alley, him pukin up jaeger bombs and cheap irish whiskey, holding a fourty. None of his hon buddys to help him. I still couldn't take him out. I've never seen a krogan regen so fast. ?higsy's a fr?ak of natur?. He just kept at it until his Coven showed up. It was close, but I had to let him go."

" Only the waffles are left. I say we take our chances and fight our way out. " Phreeze thought about that for a moment. " I think you're right. Saint Schala's got the toughest group, but it's nothing we havent pwned before." A dark shadow appeared in the far window. " Besides, he won't be expecting us to meet him head-on..." Phreeze's statement was cut off when Saint Schala's accented voice came booming over the gunship loudspeakers. It was flying level with the balcony. Saint was urging his waffle's forward. " Damn I thought I took that thing out already. Guess they fixed it already. Station repairs. " ?lendar shook his head‚ fondly remembering murdering that batarian " They fixed it, but not completely. I made sure of that. "
Rotten Ralph, ?aint Schala's s?cond in command, cam? through the window with his elite strike crew of waffles. A battle AI was sent out by at least one, the owner of which then hid behind a bed and pissed himself as bullets flew past his head. The gunship slipped away out of sight. Of course Saint wouldn't be willing to risk himself here. He'd rather come in after it's all done and steal the credit. Phreeze and Ralph began a sniper battle, echoing booms filling the limited space, tracers from weapons on both sides providing heat and light to a battle otherwise dark and cold. ?lendar lobbed a grenade beside a salarian‚ blowing him onto the ceiling. Unfortunately, this left Elendar exposed to a room full of weapons fire. Centra chucks a flashbang grenade, and all the weapons fire in the room stopped; excepting Mintchip, who continued to hold down on the trigger blind, managing to headshot at least one waffle, and shooting Centra in the foot. Elendar realized his smg was out of bullets, and so bodily hefted it at another waffle, it's uneven weight lending to interesting flight characteristics. Despite the range of the throw, Elendar's Locust managed to clip a turian in the stomach, forcing him to double over. The turian's head went right into Phreeze's scope, and promptly there was no more head. Finally it was Elendar's crew versus just Rotten Ralph. " Fuck this " Ralph said with a heavy german accent " ?aint do?sn't pay m? nearly enough in GTC's to cover my marijuana addiction." Ralph jumped back out the window and slipped away into the night.


" Archangel " Saint cried, his thick scottish accent something this author cannot emulate. " Phreeze turned toward the noise, and the gunships cannons played over his armor, one hitting him in the face while his barriers were down. Phreeze was pinned to the floor, crawling away behind a armoire. " You think you can screw with the Waffles? " Phreeze lept out, using his visor's Xray/Thermal vision to get a clear shot at the pilot behind the tinted windows. " This ends now! " Saint cried in fury. Before Phreeze could take his shot, a rocket darted from the gunship and landed at Phreeze's feet, throwing him across the room. As ?lendar ran over to him‚ he noticed a lack of movement. ?mok? ros? from around Phreeze's face. Those were definately bad signs. Saint began to fire wildly into the confines of the tiny room. ?lendar desperately wished for an american manufacted M3 Carl Gustav. Centra slid some ammo clips across the floor to him. Catching Mintchip and Centra's eyes‚ he nodded. They popped up at the same time, his lackeys spraying ?MG fir? ov?r the cockpit, ?lendar putting precise sniper rounds in key places like the rocket pods arming system‚ and the exhaust nozzle of a gunship engine. ?aint fl?w from window to window, scr?aming obscenities, but his return fire lacked accuracy. At the last minute, he tried to start docking procedures to get away, but the control tower sent him an agression warning. In less then a minute the fight was over. ?lendar's final sniper round pinned Saint's head permanently into the cockpit. The gunship came apart‚ hot metal pieces flying past our heros who stood tall and proud in the face of impending death. Elendar planted a hand on the sofa and leaped over to Phreeze's aid. A large amount of blood turian blood already painted the floor, one of Phreeze's hands death gripping his sniper rifle in his final moments. ?udd?nly h? started breathing again, his lungs filled with blood. He gargled, spewing blood and spit onto the floor, twitching in pain. " Don't worry buddy, we are going to get you out of here. Radio Lee_Dalton, make sure they are ready for us. " Mintchip leaned over Phreeze, applying medigel wherever it could be used. " He's in bad shape " she said " We need to get him to a hospital. "

" No really " ?lendar added " He is bleeding out on the floor‚ his eye's are rolling around creepy and unfocused, and he needs a hospital? U?TZ girls. Can't liv? with th?m, Can't live without them. "

Back on the Normandy, ?lendar reported to Viper Shiz. " I see you've made some progress‚ ?h?pard. It looks lik? Phreeze will live. Well, that's acceptable. According to your after action report, Rotten Ralph is still at large. I will look into adding him to the USTZ organization. Now, go away, I missed the Superbowl and I need to watch the replay before Mintchip ruins the ending for me. " Viper tapped his cigarette, and closed the communication console.

?lendar left the comm room‚ and took a newsfax from his waiting yeoman. " Yeoman Tempsniper, I see you have settled in nicely. " The ensign smiled broadly, and started talking in a thick Welsh accent. " Why yes sir, I have. "
Elendar started smacking him with the newsfax. " No no no. Don't you remember our last chat? NO TALKING. You and your faggot kind are not allowed to talk, ever. Do no communicate with me, ever. You are fucking IT ?py trash, apping to habit, g?tting scamm?d, then still wanting to get into pl, working your way up through waffle. You are also an ex goon. Obviously, someone really wants you on my ship, but I WILL HAV? NONE OF THIS. You will do things MY WAY‚ and that means not talking. Do you understand?"
Ensign Tempsniper nodded. " Why yes sir, I believe I take your meaning " Elendar set upon him savagely with the newsfax, whacking him behind the ears. " NO TALKING "
In a foul mood, he went through the weapons locker to get to the debriefing room to see Phreeze. Fintroll was there, disassembling a pistol with slow, apelike motions. " Hello ?h?pard. List?n, I just... " ?lendar rained blows down on Fintroll until he fell to his knees‚ then hit him with the newsfax as well.
" No, I don't care about your shit. I won't do your loyalty mission to save your drug addled jailed mother from prison. Noone cares about you, noone wants to see you lose more EUTZ fleets filled with vargurs to titans, noone cares about DRAMA CAU?ING NIGGERS LIKE YOU IN THIS SHIP. Now, b? sil?nt, or I'll put you out the airlock. "
Having thoroughly vented his rage, ?lendar felt much better walking to see Phreeze. The early doctor's reports looked promising e.x. he would live.

Phreeze walked in. Half the armor on his left side was wrecked‚ but he still had a face. Wires and skinweave covered his jaw, but his exposed sharp carnivorous teeth were chipped in places. " ?h?pard " h? said.
" Nobody would give me a mirror. How bad is it? " ?lendar folded his arms across his chest. " Hell Phreeze‚ you were always ugly. ?lap som? fac? paint on there and noone will notice. "
There was some more dialouge here, but we are like 8-10 paragraphs in so I'll skip it because im still drunk and its noon.


?lendar was back on Omega‚ with Phreeze and Centra in tow. MaZ sent him a message. " I have run searchs for reports on Archangel, and the local mercenary groups appear to believe he is dead. " Phreeze shrugged, " Works for me."

Elendar came upon an australian woman argueing with a turian holding a high power assault rifle, and she seemed to be getting the better of him. " I'm Human, you ass! Humans can't get the plague. Now let me get MY ?TUFF b?for? the looters get it". " This thing effects every other race out there. We're not taking chances. Maybe next time you'll base in an npc station, noob. Nobody gets in until the plague has run it's course"
?lendar walked over. " So you're saying the slums are completely sealed ? " The turian turned to look. " Finally‚ a human that can hear. Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying." The woman hit the turian in the chest. " You can't keep me out, I'm going to lose all my stuff." The turian shook his head, pacing slightly to emphasize his dialouge. " I'm doing you a favor, human. Anybody in the quarantine zone will be dead in a few weeks from the plague or the gangs. "
Elendar stepped in. " There is a salarian named Dancul1001 in the slums. I've got to find him there." The guard at the door looked surprised. " The doctor? Yeah, crazy bastard opened a clinic in the district a few months ago. The Blue ?uns w?r?n't happy when he did, believe me. I hear Mordin's trying to D?AL WITH IT the plague. I wish him luck‚ but the area's still locked down."
Elendar felt a righteous surge of Renegadeism flow through him. He could get used to being in this ' U? TZ '. " Tak? a good long look at m? " he said, resting his sniper rifle across his shoulders. At his subtle cue, his teammates also hefted their weapons. " Do I look like a looter? I'm not Wiztecia. In fact, If I see any Wiztecia's, I'm going to kill them, and anyone who gets in my way " He finished, looking menacing.

The guard looked over his shoulder. " Look, I don't want any trouble. I'll call ahead, make sure you're cleared. " The woman huffed angrily. " Wait, you're stopping me but not them? You son of a bitch"
" You don't have a grenade launcher Laedy, get lost. "
Phreeze shook his head. " A quarantine zone for a plague that kills turians. Why don't we ever go anyplace nice? " ?lendar meet Phreeze's stare squarely. " Listen‚ I'm going to need your turians on the five yard line. "
Phreeze laughed, " Yeah okay, it's not like you could run a fleet without me and not get our supers killed."

The team had just downed some Blue ?uns m?rcs in th? quarantine zone, by a burning fire pit. The stench gave away that it was a pyre. Men of all races piled on top of each other like big gay babys, it was like visiting scrapheap challenge. " I've seen a lot of bad before. This is worse, way worse " Centra said. " I've gotten used to the smell of burning bodies over the years " Phreeze added. " Does that say something about my character? "

A batarian was slowly expiring in the corner, with two females already dead in his arms. It was Jogyn'Rus. ?lendar approached slowly‚ gun out.
Jogyn'Rus could not see Elendar through the blood trickling into his eyes. " Human, should have guessed." He coughed up blood over the floor. " Bad enough you infect us with this plague. now you lack the honoure to wait for me to die before you come to steal my possesions."
" Why do you believe humans are the source of the plague? " Elendar asked. " Your kind are the only ones not affected. Your's, and the wretched vorcha. It must be you."
" Ah my friend, I believe you have fallen into the fallical trap of Post Hoc. "
The batarian coughed some more blood. " Yes of course, between the drugs and my condition, how did I not see that this is a classic case of Post hoc ergo propter hoc. Wait, your voice sounds familiar. It's you, ?h?pard. "
Jogyn'Rus produc?d a knife and started slashing blindly at ?lendar‚ but the exertion quickly dropped him to the floor. Elendar charged his heavy pistol. " You lack honour ?h?pard! " h? screamed " Our duel will never be over until one of us is dead. I know it's you! You left me unconcious, beaten, but alive. TH?RE IS ONLY DEATH. "
Elendar pointed the gun at Jogyn'Rus's head‚ ?onsid?ring l?aving him to his own devices and let the plague take him quietl?. " It's a kinder, gentler way to die. "
He pulled the trigger.

[Aurora148]

When he heard another fleet member screaming over vent in rage and pain, Viper Shizzle knew things must be going terribly wrong. That was the fourth such transmission he'd received, and he even his brain could comprehend that most likely at least half his fleet was podded. It was no matter; even one Nyx was more than a match for the average fleet of Star Fraction, and his 12 inch cock was throbbing with an unusual lust for virgin mancunt.

No need to take chances though, Viper Shizzle thought, and decided to get a grip on the situation. In his deep guttural voice, he transmitted on vent "All Ships report in!"

Viper Shizzle only heard silence greet him in return over vent. Something was definitely wrong. He triggered his engines, accelerating slowly and making his way back to the POS shields. Whatever was going on, he knew it couldn’t be good and just wanted to get out of the system. There would be other “Free Captains” and other anuses to violate, and Viper Shizzle had a strong sense of self-preservation.

Almost back to the POS, Viper Shizzle suddenly found jerking to a stop just a few kilometers from the edge of the shields. He heard the screech and strain of bulkheads and tritanium plating straining under the sudden stress, and before he could even turn on his hardeners, heard the telltale sound of blasters being unleashed. He swiveled the camera drone to get a visual on what was attacking him, but only static appeared on the screen. More shots, more alerts. Webs, drones, a bubble, shields down. Then, black.

He didn't know how much later it was when he woke up, but he felt blood trickling down his face and could feel the harsh coldness of air, a sharp contrast after a decade suspended in the warm goo of a pod. Trying to wipe the blood away only brought realization that this hands and feet were bound, and he was wearing a control belt. Now free to look around, he saw no less than 12 Free Captains surrounding him, all of them disrobed from the waist down with raging hard ons that made Viper Shizzle’s own cock flush with excitement, even considering his current situation. "All right boys! Have at 'em!" one of the Jericho pilots shouted, and Viper Shizzle found himself with his face on the cold metal floor and his ass in the air. He heard the pulse of a plasma rifle discharge, and felt the searing of his flesh as they melted the thin fabric protecting his ass. He didn't shout or make any noise, even though there was pleasure mixed with the pain for Viper Shizzle.

One by one, the pilots violated Viper Shizzle's anus, some blowing their hot loads inside of him, some on his face after or before punching him, some shooting them on his back, and all the while Viper Shizzle enjoyed the fuck of a lifetime, even if they did have small cocks. After all the Jericho Fraction pilots had taken their turn, Viper Shizzle's face was covered in a film of white cum and a mixture of semen and shit dribbled from his anus, as he laid there on the floor. Behind him, he heard the distinct sound of metal on metal, like a tclink, clink, clinkv but he couldn't turn to see what it was as it approached. Closer the clinking came, until it seemed right on top of him. As a new figure stepped in front of him with each leg making a clinking sound as it struck the metal floor, Viper Shizzle realized that the person now standing in front of him must be wearing stiletto heels, although the figure was clearly male "Hello Viper Shizzle", he said. "You probably don't remember me it's been so long, but 12 years ago you raped my virgin ass and left me for dead on a cargo ship just like this one. The damage was so extreme, much of my body couldn't be saved, but the doctors were able to give me a new body! Now I'll do to you what you did to me so long ago, and my revenge will be complete! I AM JADE" Viper Shizzle only vaguely recalled the encounter so long ago, one of many in a long list of ass rapes he had committed against Jericho Fraction, and almost all of which ended with a dead pod pilot. As he struggled to recall the exact memory in his brain, Jade was disrobing before him.

"AhhViper Shizzle, I see you're admiring my equipment! What you see here is a model 101 Cybercock, one of the first of it's kind. I had the doctors modify it though, and I can directly control the size and speed of the piston, see," and as he said that, the Cybercock seemed to grow in size to nearly twice as big as it had been and became fully erect, standing nearly 15 inches long.

Not wanting to waste any more time, Jade moved in behind Viper Shizzle, and with a thought discharged a hot oil lubricant from his Cybercock and thrust it brutally into Viper Shizzle. This time Viper Shizzle did scream, a guttural "GGGGGGGGGUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH!" as the 15 inches of hot metal tore open his anus and blood began to mix with hot oil lube and leftover manjuice. Jade turned up the piston speed with a thought to 800 RPM, and watched Viper Shizzle seem to vibrate as his Cybercock ravaged him. Viper Shizzle seemed to go limp, but Jade didn't care as he climaxed and extended the Cybercock another five inches further inside of Viper Shizzle, rupturing vital organs as his innards filled with hot cum.

Jade pulled out and Viper Shizzle crumpled to the floor unmoving, most likely dead from the violation of the Cybercock. It was then that Jade noticed a flashing light on Viper Shizzle’s waistbelt, but it was too late as a stun grenade detonated a split second after he came to this realization, and he was unconscious.

Jade woke up next to the rest of his squad of pod pilots, all bound hand and foot, and all naked. At least 8 Genos pilots were in the room with them, and Jade knew what was coming. The squad was lined up on the floor, face down and ass up, just like Viper Shizzle had been, and the Genos pilots began ass raping them one at a time, running a rapetrain on each one of them in turn, letting all the others see what was to come. Some of the pilots just passed out or died outright before a Genos even got to them, knowing full well what was going to happen to them from Jade's account. The Genos pilots didn't care, they raped them anyways, having a good time using their bodies like puppets while their friends raped their still warm man cunts.

Jade was one of the last, and even though he had a metal anus, Genos didn't care and raped him anyway, and he still felt everything. He quickly went into a semi-conscious state as the pilots ravaged him, reliving in his mind the original encounter with Viper Shizzle, muttering over and over "fleet disbanded, fleet disbanded" as he continued to get pounded, living longer than everyone else did because of his partially robotic body.

[Don Peyote]

Aurora get help

[Razzor]

Aurora get a publisher

[Viper ShizzIe]

Sweet plagiarism bro

[Don Peyote]

I'd accuse you of being 'butthurt' Viper but the content of that story would make that a very poor thing to say

[Aurora148]

I'd accuse you of being 'butthurt' Viper but the content of that story would make that a very poor thing to say

google "viper shizzie squad broken"

[RansomList]

Dont suppose we can have some worksafe entry's?

[Petyr]

Dont suppose we can have some worksafe entry's?

I'm writing something. Don't worry, as an NC poster I'm well used to saving terrible threads.

[Don Peyote]

I'm writing something. Don't worry, as an NC poster I'm well used to saving terrible threads.

Gotta save something after losing those titans

Sorry.

[Petyr]

Gotta save something after losing those titans

Sorry.

Pets don't lose titans, pets lose battleships and ratting carriers.

[Don Peyote]

Pets don't lose titans, pets lose battleships and ratting carriers.

Now I feel guilty for my terrible dig at your coalition

[Elise Randolph]

PG wins contest over

[Razzor]

pfffft mine is far more educational

[Dynast]

pfffft mine is far more educational

This thread thus far is a testament to public education systems everywhere.

[Dynast]

Public education systems, Hooooooooooooooo!

The more I think about it, the less I feel like I should bother. There'll be bubble camps. Rapiers. Hotdrops. Logistics out the wazoo to make sure I can't take anything with me. I look at my hangar for a moment and ask myself.. what they fuck have I got that's gonna make something awesome happen, and not have me end up a gooey smear on the hull of a Dramiel?

Hurricane. Armageddon. Pilgrim. Succubus. Zealot. Claw, Crusader, Crusader... a whole bunch of 'ceptor hulls, really. Tengu. And a whole lot more in other hangars, in systems across New Eden.. or packed into my sister's carrier's bay. None of them insured, I can't be bothered. Few of them equipped to actually win a 1v3 or 1v5 fight. It's been a while since I've won a battle, actually..

Ah, fuckit. The 'nano-cane' it is, all the better to run from fights and avoid actually doing anything worth a damn in this fine universe we call home. At least I won't be feeding someone kills.

Oh, right. I'm Dynast.. a pod pilot. Been one for, well.. six years I guess, but fuck it's felt longer than that. Less than that if I'm honest, probably two of those years have been spent zapped out on crash, but hey, what good is immortality if you can't wreck yourself? I'd claim I'm a PvP (pod pilot vs pod pilot) god, but that'd be a crock of shit and there's more than a few with frozen corpses to prove it. Not afraid to put my immortality to use, though, and I figure that counts for something. Tonight, I do one of those things that requires immortality, solo roaming in nullsec.

Undock.. throw up dotlan on the HUD, and I'm good to go. Ombey's maps were pretty good, but dotlan's are just a smidge easier to navigate in a hurry, and sometimes I'm in a hurry. Not tonight.. or any time recently, but sometimes. In any case, I'm in Misaba, and R3- is calling to me.. so I set course for 9UY. It's gotta be better than it was this afternoon.. or last night.. or the night before that. Well, we'll see.

Blues.

Blues.

Blues.

More blues.

Corpmate.

o/

I haven't bothered to log into our voice comms.. I really should have. But.. it's late by galactic standard time, and I'm not sure I actually feel up to speaking to another human being. May have been hitting the boosters a bit earlier.. there's nothing left in my holds but the synthetics, so it's no surprise I'm still feeling 'em.

Blues.

Blues.

Fuck, why do I even bother? Even if there were reds, it'd be the same shit I saw yesterday, and the day before. Greedy fucks in Tengus who dock up at the first sign of.. FUCK!

Seven reds... tempest, apoc, harby.. tower.. fuck, maybe they're on the other gate and those are just in a pos. Or maybe they're running a plex, or.. hm.

Nothing on scan near the out gate. Station system, and all of 'em are tagged to the local slumlords.. yeah, they're docked up. Dammit. I suppose it's a bit much to ask... for them to even stay shipped up? Two of their comm signals just went silent. Fuckers.. probably busy cornholing each other behind the hundred bazillion rated station shield that my Hurricane isn't going to touch in less than a month.

Nothing on scan.. nothing on scan.. nothing on scan.. yeah, they're busy with their orgy. Jump.

Two reds.. hmm. Nothing on scan. I'm four jumps out from 9UY and seeing people already, so I suppose that's a good sign but still.. nothing on scan. Nothing on scan. Jump. Empty, nobody's home. Warp to the next ohwait! +1.. Harbinger on scan.. FUCK YEAH! Switch to RF Fusion! He's on the gate!

He jumps.

I jump.

He's 27k and puts drones out... drones out... burn to him.. overheat that shit NOWS.. get drones on him... got tackle, he's got tackle but fuckit I'm down for this. Get orbit, shit how's my guns doing.. they're fine.. shield's hurting..but so's his armor.. burn burn burnmotherfucker! Oh fuck yeah this is the shit.. distance is good, he's holding, thinks he's gonna catch up. I'm 1/3 shield... he's 1/3 armor.. my guns are hot, fuck, gotta drop 'em back to normal. He's goin' to hull.. scrammed, no getting away you fucker!

Oh shit he's starting to get distance.. he's 2/3 hull but he's 4k out.. kinda wish I could fit a web but that'd mean plating and fuck that noise. I'm out of optimal, but aaaahahahah you can't run from the autocannons you sorry motherfucker, you could be 10k out and I'd still be melting your ass.. overheat the scram just to be safe...BOOM! Oh yeah.

+1 red.

+2 reds.

I'ma get the fuck... another 'cane. At 10k. Fuck. Pointed, webbed. This could get ugly for me.. shield's at a sliver, guns are 80% burnt and same for neuts. Align to.. fuck! Align, align.. dammit just pick something. That blob over there, there's probably like fifty moons I can pick once I see how this is gonna go. Overheat the microwarp and it's time for a gear check.

Phew, it's just a point. There's still hope. Pull drones in, might need 'em later.. hmm his damage is kinda shit, but whatever if he holds tackle I'm dead regardless, I've got no buffer to work with. Next big question.. is he plated, or nano?

11k.... 12k... 14k.. 16k..

Oh fuck yeah, he's plated. Outside web range my baby takes off and blows past 1500 like it ain't no thang. Let's pick a target.. oh yeah, four belts and a bunch of moons.. pick a middle belt. As I pass 30k I slap the button and I am so outta here.

Now... the planet dance. Let's do the planet dance! Oh yeah, the planet dance. Let's do something constructive too.. first things first, fix some of my burnt ass ship. No armor damage, and the shield is gonna need a good ten minutes or better, but let's look at that microwarp and guns.

The 'bots start spreading paste on the microwarp.. and I realize that I suck at math. Or was lazy.. or used a whole shitton of paste a while back and forgot about it, because I sure as shit ain't got enough for my guns. Godmotherfuckingdammit.

One of the dudes who came into system bails after around five minutes of the planet dance, and its big brother the hastily-made-safespot-dance. The other dude's got a bit more fortitude.. he's in a hurricane as well. Hm... could be an interesting fight. But no overheating the guns, hmm.. fuck. Hmm. Dammit. Do I risk harshing my buzz, and go for the double bonus?

Come to think of it, who are these dudes? I'm new to the area, don't really know how people fit.. let's check the killmail. Gotta love CONCORD, purveyors of intergalactic safety, security, and bragging rights for who done fucked up who. So let's have a look at their official report.

Strange fit. 1600 plate with heavies. Don't think I'd fly that.. conventional wisdom is mediums with plate, or heavies with shield buffer, and while I do so love the idea of being a special snowflake, there's a reason this shit works. Heavies and plate means.. yup, an ancillary, and a PDU in a low slot that should have had a heat sink. And.. sensor booster? Guess he was gunning for small game.. wonder if this is what this dude flies normally or if he just threw something together when intel said some sucker was floating through their space solo? Never fought this dude before, so hard to say.

Come to think of it, I just blew away some poor motherfucker I've never even met, just because his ID was marked red by alliance standings. Didn't know his name, his corp, his alliance.. just a red. Kinda shitty way to live. Didn't even squawk something on the local comm freqs.. not that he did either, but that shit coulda gone either way, and he was ready and willing. Really shoulda said something.

Toss some info up on alliance comms, and I get a quick reply. They like their guardians, and they fly to match -- plated. I can't even remember if the dude who had tackle on me at the gate is the same dude who's still in system.. fuck I should have logs for this shit, adrenaline had me tunnelvisioned like a motherfucker. He could be the same dude.. or a different dude.. but he's probably plated. Which means he's probably got shit damage compared to my three gyrostabs.. and no tracking enhancers.. maybe I could range him at like six or seven K out.. if he's running EMP (like he should be after a corpmate lost a fight to a dude in a nano-cane) I might just beat him out.

But that armor buffer.. and it's been a while.. come to think of it, near on fifteen minutes. Plenty of time for those buttplungers a couple jumps back to quit spinning their goddamned ships and form up on the in-gate. So I float between safespots, throw out on local comms that inasmuch as my guns are mostly burnt I am disinclined to engage further, and wait. Dammit. I want this fight.. but it'd be dumb as hell.

Almost as dumb as that fight yesterday. Threw away a perfectly good dual-rep domi on some empire wardec trash knowing they had six in system, hoping I'd just get three. What the fuck was I thinking? I even saw the 'neutral' guardian hanging on planet off the gate...

Whatever, fuckit. Me and my sis run a wormhole for a few hours, like we did a couple nights back, we make three hundred, four hundred large. Enough to leroy into some empire shitbags and still keep us in battlecruisers.. and fuck, why even think about it? What the good is being all bitter about it when I can get a rush like this? That domi, the 'ranis before it to those two cynabals on a drag bubble.. like half a dozen ishkurs flirting with the Gallente militia?

Fuck 'em. Just for this, they were totally worth it.

[Combat Scrub]

The war between the Empires continues, the blood toll rising daily. Families torn asunder, friends now turned to enemies; such is the cost of peace and politics in New Eden.
Some events go unheralded; victories and defeats all in the name of duty and honour.
Economies collapse, piracy is on the rise. Is there an end in sight? Can there ever truly be peace?

I never felt like a patriot. It wasn't me. My family were immigrants and industrialists, not warriors or statesmen. I had already drifted far from my origins. Becoming a capsuleer, I had become more than anyone in my family before me - immortal, rich beyond my wildest dreams, and a wanderer in the darkness between stars. When the empire wars began nearly a year ago, I watched from the sidelines. It was, after all, not my problem. However, like many others, I was curious about the war. In the springtime after war broke out, nursing a stupendous hangover earned at The Miracle Of Science bar in The University of Caille station in Alentene, I enlisted in the Gallente Militia.

As a solo pilot, I had never put much stock in the corporate experience. The Center for Advanced Studies was quick to let me go without a second thought, although life in The Scope hadn't been much different. A large group of pod pilots fly in The Scope, but they don't have any common goals, aspirations, or the ability to really coordinate and work as a team the way other corporations seemed to. So when I went into the militia office to sign up for a rotation in the Gallente Militia, I didn't really pay attention to the details, and simply signed on the bottom line. That was not my first mistake, nor would it be my last.

The recruiter relocated my berth to Jufvitte, a border system on the edge of the warzone. There was a Federal Defense Union station in system, with a variety of agents to work for. I'd been running missions my entire career, and thought this would be no different. I called up the local agent on my neocomm and applied for a mission. I was shocked at the mission offered - fly 13 systems across high- and lo-sec Caldari Space and assault an outpost in their border zone. Did I really sign up for this? To skip from one side of the border to the other, assaulting small, meaningless targets? Ah, well. A junior officer knows when to just follow orders, so I checked the fitting on my Catalyst-class destroyer, and set my destination in the neocom. This mission went smoothly, although flying to and from the system was challenging, as I was chased across 4 high-security systems in The Citadel by the Caldari Navy. Several other missions were similar - fly far across space to a Caldari border system and assault an outpost.

One evening, as I was assaulting another in the seemingly endless supply of Caldari outposts, I was surprised to see another capsuleer warp into the mission deadspace. I hadn't paid close attention to the information packet handed out by the militia recruiter - and didn't realize that my arrival in the system would be noted, a beacon posted at my destination, and I would likely be attacked by either Caldari militia or local pirates. My initial reaction was instinctive - I immediately aligned and warped to the stargate. There was no one there, and I should have just jumped out and returned home accepting the failure of this mission, as my ship was not configured to battle experienced pod pilots. But I was so used to the life of a hi-sec mission runner I just re-aligned to the deadspace gate and warped back in. At the gate there were two other Caldari pilots, waiting for me. Within moments I was webbed and scrambled, unable to get away as they locked weapons onto my Catalyst-class destroyer and began assaulting me. I returned the favor, targeting one of them and opening fire, but they were just out of range of my antimatter loaded 125mm railguns. I was missing as often as hitting, and the well-known Caldari shield tank was holding up easily against my intermittent fire. I continued to attempt to warp away as they quickly ate through the shields on my ship, and began to penetrate the armor. I watched helplessly, unable to strike back with any force, as my ship was slowly shot out from under me. The final explosion of my ship disrupted their scramblers just enough for me to warp my pod away - but my frustration at my inability to fight my opponents effectively was greater than the irritation of not completing my mission and the loss of my ship combined. My personal disappointment (and the obvious frustration from the agent who had hired me) led to a quick exit from the Gallente Militia. I flew for them for a mere two weeks, and had little to show but a Pend Insurance payout on an overpriced Catalyst. I was done, the militia disgusted with my lack of understanding of combat mechanics. Under some duress from the agent I had failed, I contacted the local militia office and resigned my commission.

Life in HiSec was not the same after that. Although I continued my piecemeal work for the various Gallente corporations, there was something eating at me since the humiliating loss of my Catalyst. It frustrated me that I was so ill-prepared to fight another pod pilot, and I hated being an utter failure.

Fast forward to high summer. I continued to watch the war from the sidelines as the Caldari conquered system after system across Gallente space, reducing the "safe" space to fly in to small pockets of high-security systems scattered across known space. I was a more experienced pilot – I still hadn't won a single engagement, but I was smarter about how to avoid pirates and unknown pilots, and I had been studying the techniques of ship combat, improving my ability to command and utilize the offensive and defensive systems in my ships - I had even qualified to fly the advanced combat frigates available to a Gallente pilot, although I knew I wasn't quite ready to fly (and lose) a ship that expensive. I was, after all, still a solo pilot. Fortunately, that was all about to change. I had come across a corporation that seemed willing to let me learn the actual techniques of combat against other pod pilots, and they had recently signed up with the Gallente Militia to fight back against the Caldari horde. I felt like it was time to try again - time to step back up and sign on the dotted line. I was going to re-enlist, this time with a group of like-minded pilots, who were willing to teach me how to overcome the gaping holes in my training, to teach me to fight (and win) against other capsuleers. It was mid-July, YC111 (or 2009, in the old earth calendar), and after almost two years as a solo mission runner, I was finally shedding my bearskin jacket, and entering the real New Eden.

Two days after enrolling in the new corporation, I received new marching orders. We were deploying to an ORE station in Outer Ring, 4C-B7X. I was going to learn to fight pod pilots not in faction war, but in the dreaded depths of nullsec.

[Razzor]

This thread thus far is a testament to public education systems everywhere.

haha oh snap

[riverini [banned]]

A few nights ago I was doing my nightly drive by around the city's red light district when i picked up this working girl who's hooked on smack, the kind of gal that hussled and scored. i kept driving and i asked about her business, "That's all I do" she said, she called "Ten bucks for head, fifteen for half-and-half". She told "Three hits a day at 35 per", I said "that's seven tricks a day at least", but she said "sometimes I get lucky. Once this guy gives me a bill-and-half just to eat me, only time I ever came".

then i figure i could save her.

I sold my color tv, that kept her off the streets a whole day. i hawked my typewriter for one job. Then my cellphone, my watch. A week later i was like "listen am a little short" but she says "No scratch, no snatch". I say "Look it is better to give", but she said "Beat off creep".

One night my friends spotted me on the street trying to sell my shoes. I told them who i am, but they nailed me. Then she passed by and she said " Christ you look fucked", she said "Hang tough!". But i didn't say anything, i just think "what a bum rat for a nice, sensitive guy like me"....

[Razzor]

Why did you even type that ?

[CCP Nozh]

Here is mine (I wrote this long time ago about the new provi owners)


in New providence leadership channel:

Dashio FC : we have a gang anyone wants to engage it
CO2 FC : let me see how many people i can get.. what do u guys brining?
Dashio FC : mostly BC but its a mixed fleet
CO2 FC : we'll bring the same... no cap hot drop
Dashio FC : will do... where do you guys want to do this
CO2 FC : since you already have a fleet why don' we meet up in F-Y planet 2
Dashio FC : see you there then

few mins later

Dashio FC: we at the planet 2 at 100KM
CO2 FC : we'll be there shortly
Dashio FC : do you want us to drop the can for aggro
CO2 FC : dude we are in 0.0 so it doesn't matter
Dashio FC : Lawl i totally forgot
Agony FC : mind if we join up guys?
Dashio FC : well lets see if i can bring Sol x, if they come it will be Dasio and Sol x against Agony and CO2.. sounds fair?
Agony FC: sounds good to me... can we get CO2 TS info?
CO2 FC : check mail
Dashio FC : sol x is coming.. but Dahsio will lead the gang
Dshio FC: btw guys no podding... some of our guys have implants
CO2 FC :kk no podding then

few mins later

Agony FC: ok Agony and CO2 are at Planet 3.. i suggest we warp to the star and start shooting at each other
Solx FC : agreed..

meanwhile in the intel channel

Legio member : 10 -A- inbound via DG
Legio member : correction 20 -A- in armor hacs

back to the leadership channel

CO2 FC : read the intel channel
Dashio FC : Damn it, 20 -A- eh
Agony FC : should we engage them as a team?
Sol x : you know they'll pod rite?

Dashio FC: guys we should dock up and let them pass through
CO2 FC : Agreed... CO2 and Agony docking
Dashio FC : we are doing the same so don't shoot us at the station
CO2 Fc : we won't

in -A- intel channel:

-A- FC: damn it they docked up
Manny : fuk.. they all docked up
UK : well you scared them
-A- FC : this is total bullshit.. im going to smack them
UK : is that wise... they might leave
Manny : you can do whatever you want.. this is the new provi from my vision

[Razzor]

The only flaw in that story is it implys Legio are even remotely capable of relaying intel in a correct channel.

[Stronke]

Why did you even type that ?

Because he is fucking terrible, I try to negrep him atleast 2/3 times a day but this shitty forum will not let me.

[Razzor]

I actually think he might be mentally retarded. I mean why would you even post that ? am I reading it wrong was it meant to be funny ?

[Vinata]

It didn't even have anything to do with EVE. He didn't even bother to name the hooker after an EVE celebrity.

[riverini [banned]]

this should win:

[RansomList]

Oh god you do indeed win.

[Vinata]

Not written, doesn't count.

[RansomList]

i await the screenplay; if he actually writes that up properly, or as a theatrical piece with stage directions and castings he has my vote in this merry little oligarchy

it would be cool to see a storyboard or comic strip a la eve on a strip too 'the return of kugutsumen' issue 808

[Agathor]

i await the screenplay; if he actually writes that up properly, or as a theatrical piece with stage directions and castings he has my vote in this merry little oligarchy

You are assuming Riv did that himself. Saw this years ago.

[Night]

Somebody had to pretend seriousness, so the second piece of EVE-related fiction I've written is yours, along with an hour of my life. (I timed it.)

Pity I couldn't use the first Contempt, but it's about a carebear running missions.

Contempt
A slow night from a capsuleer's expectations. Not slow enough for many others. Very many others; over a hundred thousand Angels crewers and officers lay dead in the wake of the Dominix. Of almost no interest to the capsuleer, or to his crew. The crew knew their leader well, something of a rarity. It was all but a statistical certainty, in nosec, that a pilot would not retain a ship long enough for the crew to complete a tour of duty without being considerably more hairtrigger. More paranoid, really; that was an occupational hazard of haunting belts.

A hundred thousand lives. Ten battleships. Pocket change, really. The pilot felt almost cheated on such little return for his effort; this was Angels turf and they were usually thick on the ground, all but lining up to die before his drones and railguns. Not even ten million isk. The crew, too, picked up on that there was something amiss: the ship's shields had yet to go down, none of the mind-numbing thunder of battleship projectiles against their armor. This was abnormal; the ship was not designed to fight in shields.

A bad day, one to be written off in most circumstances, but a pod pilot is not accustomed to failure at the hands of non-capsuleers. The direct link between a capsuleer and his craft is both blessing and curse. The sheer mind-numbing drudgery of never being challenged can infect not only the pilot but the ship as well, make it sluggish.

Another empty belt. All guns secured fore and aft, drones in the bays. Telltale warnings from intelligence channels ignored. Ignorant there was a battle on until hit.

Still, not yet cause for concern. A couple of interceptors. Nothing to bother with, barely even worthy of attention. Perhaps they hoped he was fit poorly; perhaps they simply did not know their limits. Intel channels silent on signs of heavier support but a half-dozen responses for help.

Autocannon salvos, light, battering down his shields millimeter by millimeter. No reason to bother returning fire, launching drones, or even moving. Let them think he was away; let them hope. Stay dumb, little ones.

Local goes up by one. A friendly. A fleet request. In warp, but no arrival. Nearby still, approach possible, but no sign.

A Rapier uncloaks, a half-dozen modules activate, webbers, a scrambler, target painters. Drones deploy and railguns snap onto target as the interceptors attempt to flee, joining already firing autocannon from the Rapier. Victory flies with the first effective salvo, a distinction one of the interceptor pilots will learn today.

If he has the sense.

[Stronke]

You are assuming Riv did that himself. Saw this years ago.

^^^^^^

[akatookey]

http://pastebin.com/NHGDfyMp

entered on behalf of the author (doesn't have a kugu acct)

[RansomList]

You are assuming Riv did that himself. Saw this years ago.

Why post anything thats not OC in this thread

[Mr Coloredshirt]

Q: Why post anything thats not OC in this thread
A:

ftfy

[Manfred Hideous]

I suck at this shit but I'll give it a wack:


--------------------------------------------

Artemis walked down the hall chuckling to himself. He had only seconds ago agreed to sell a Leviathan he didn't actually own. He paused at the hatch to his quarters, rubbing his hands in anticipation of his new found wealth. Stepping inside, he poured himself a congratulatory drink. He often congratulated himself. Very few people would give him pats on the back due to his experience in the Space Marines.

Sitting at his console, he logged in to his virtual wallet app and looked at his balance. He blinked to make sure he was seeing the screen correctly. Artemis was now a rich man. Rich in ISK, he was still impoverished in self worth. He had scores to settle with the people who had treated him so badly in the past.

He was once a Marine; part of a proud community of space warriors to used bats on each other for fun. He never fit in to that community the way he thought he should have. Why should he not be able to take pictures in the shower? He was a journalist!

One day, after a particularly steamy photoshoot, his former drill instructor, Viper paid a visit. Viper had brought along his funbat. Artemis did not fnd the experience at all fun, though he felt fairly excited whenever thinking about it. Excitement was his coping mechanism.

Artemis decided that today was the day he would begin his revenge. Flush with money and a burning desire... for revenge, he applied to the space mercenaries Viper had joined following a distinguished Marine carrier.

Artemis waited only a short time before his interviews began. Laughter and derison followed. The same abusive torment he had tried to endure in the Marines had followed him into his revenge. Years after Viper had tackled him and pinned him down on a footlocker, he was again being assaulted.

"This shall not stand", said Artemis. He followed Viper into any accessible virtual and taunted him. He never did so physically as this might lead to being sandwiched between a footlocker and his very large and oddly attractive DI. No, he would avoid a phisical confrontation. Instead, Artemis ruthlessly taunted and cajolled Viper from a safe distance. Laughing at the latter's inability to do anything about it.

Artemis logged out of his client. He had a date with an 19 year old who looked 16 that he he met online in between his torture of Viper and other mercenaries. He transferred a few billion to the account of his new girlfriend and sprayed on some Brut.

He was whistling as he opened the hatch to begin his trek to her hourly hotel room. The hatch slid silently to the side.

Viper was standing in the passageway. In his hands were a bat with the word "fun" burned into the slightly splintered wood. Three of vipers men stood nearby wearing nothing but parrachute pants and suspenders. They were all grinning.

"Remember the footlocker?", asked viper as he pushed Artemis back into his quarters. Artemis began shaking. He wasn't sure if this was fear or perhaps something else...

[Petyr]

I suck at this shit but I'll give it a wack:

Really good, tbh. Great tone, balance and subtlety. Picked exactly the right phrases out of the other thread to intermingle. I'm impressed.

[Burnes]

Observations on the Birds of Northern New Eden
by Lt. Col. (ret.) Sir Horatio Burnes, K.B.

To my esteemed readers,

A life spent in Her Majesty's service has given me the opportunity to observe the native wildlife of dozens of different regions, each with their own unique habitat and eco-system. While this work is not intended to be comprehensive, I submit it in the hope that it furthers the study of the fascinating creatures that have brought me so much delight and diversion over the years.

The Scarlet Demon Hunter


Scarius Noobius

We begin with an examination of the Scarlet Demon Hunter. Despite their ferocious name, the true prey of this bird are not demons, but guristas, which they fish for avidly. Smaller and less agile than other birds of the North, one would have expected this species to have been run off by predators long ago. But they have persevered and even thrived, recently driving off a competitive flock of Australian Beer Swallows to cement their control of the area. I suspect that their presence is tolerated by the larger birds of the North because of their distinctive and plaintitive call, which can be heard in intel channels during a full moon or whenever a neutral is sighted.

The Hookbilled NC'dot


Eliticus Gankorum

In all of God's varied domains I have yet to see a creature with more beautiful coloring than the Hookbilled NC'dot. Like all Birds of Leet, it has a prominent bill known as "the machariel." Scholars have long speculated on the purpose of this oversized appendage - while it is a formidable weapon in its own right, it does seem excessive, even counter-productive. But recent research by Dr. Anne Elk of the Sisters of Eve suggests that the birds display their machariels as a dominance ritual. The birds with the largest and longest bills and the most faction striping seem to have an advantage when finding a mate among the flock.

The Crested Rager


Raginius Plexicus

I will conclude these observations with some notes on one of the most prominent species of the area, the Crested Rager. Generally the birds are docile and spread over a very large area, content to feed on scordite and the occasional plex. But when threatened they band together into enormous flocks, and when a critical mass is reached they exhibit behavior known as "raging." Individual birds that were once content to remain quiet now display their crests and honk loudly in local. More aggressive members will fly over their opponents and attempt to defecate on them from great heights. When aroused like this flocks of Crested Ragers are very dangerous, even deadly if a wild Imperian is found among them. I've personally seen them drive off forces of more than a quarter their number, feasting on dead Sabres and crowing their distinctive "BFF" - a chilling sight.

[Manfred Hideous]

Really good, tbh. Great tone, balance and subtlety. Picked exactly the right phrases out of the other thread to intermingle. I'm impressed.

Thank you, sir. Considering the high quality of your own posts I consider this great praise. I wish I could plus rep more of your posts but I've expended my allowance.

Seriously, Thanks.

[Petyr]

This thread is rapidly approaching awesome.

[Elise Randolph]

That bird one is actually p good, you should do more of them.

[Tyrael]

(6:25:41 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: Its fucking cold
(6:25:44 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: and yea it is!
(6:25:53 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: its cold everywhere
(6:25:57 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: Thats a very agnry look
(6:25:59 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: if you see that
(6:26:01 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: you better run
(6:26:04 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: cause ima beat u up
(6:29:39 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: *puzzled*
(6:29:44 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: How old do i look?
(6:29:58 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: depending on your answer, could be a compliment or an insult
(6:30:02 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: choose wisely
(6:34:00 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: LOL
(6:34:23 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: You got me this ship tyrael, I love you, sup kugu 1:10/11
(6:34:41 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: and you know you would post that shit everywhere
(6:34:50 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: Or!
(6:35:17 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: You can come over and play with my apocalypse anyday tyrael.
(6:35:22 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: LOL
(6:35:29 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: Write it on my chest and then hands
(6:35:31 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala:

(6:43:27 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: LOL what do you want? Jenna, take a picture (ok) give me an angry face (ok) Posts picture*** Jenna you look like you 15 (sighs)
(6:43:46 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: what more do you want >.<
(6:45:24 AM) Ooohyoutouchmytralala: then you didnt look too closley before you sperged everywhere :P