Posted Today, 02:11 AM
uncle joe is here to give you technetium and/or banish you to the gulag
CEO UPDATE: MEMBERCORP BINGE AND PURGE
As Goonswarm has succeeded over the last few months, we have grown massively in size. Everyone likes a winner, and both GSF and TEST are expanding faster than LadyScarlet at a Vegas buffet. This presents a special difficulty for me. Past treatment of membercorps has vacillated between being overly generous at one moment and explicitly genocidal the next. While some methods of passing judgment are seen as more fair than others, ultimately, no matter what methods or metrics are used, the alliance leader must personally make harsh judgment calls about the value, utility and/or irredeemable faggotry of membercorps.
On the occasion of several of our friends from TCF joining our alliance, I can no longer delay this critical process. We have secured enough liquid capital that it is time for the alliance to disburse its first 'tech bounty' to deserving membercorps. At the same time, we must also make it known what corps we are displeased with, such that they have an opportunity to fix their shit before I purge them.
Goonswarm is a communist autocracy. It is important for everyone to be aware that while we are being very generous in redistributing alliance income (which could go to supercapitals, more reimbursements, etc) to membercorp CEOs, this bonus is neither a right nor an entitlement. Membercorp payouts are a reward for good participation, not something to expect or demand at the end of each month.
Without further ado, the ratings. These do not include the new TCF additions for obvious reasons. The corps I am delighted or pleased with get prezzies in the form of the 'tech bounty' which they can spend, embezzle, or roll around in as they wish. For this round, the Finance team tells me we can shower 15b upon those we love.
Corps I am Delighted With:
Amok: Consistently brings stupidly high numbers to strategic ops, has provided some of our best FCs and our Sky Marshal.
EJB: Despite Kazanir being a Mormon, his corp has succeeded rapidly, probably because they're a bunch of goddamned spreadsheet nerds and WoW goons.
Bat Country: In theory, Predator IRL runs this corp, but in practice it's Endie's baby. I wouldn't dream of making Endie unhappy, so they're in the top tier. (Ok, they have high participation and kicked out Himo, what's not to love?)
OEG: Papa Fucking Digger.
Corps I am Pleased With:
Merchi: On the uptick in terms of participation and with an extremely cunning rep in the (large) form of Sal Freddo.
Sundering: Sundering used to be in the doghouse, but Cpt Underpants has pulled these ex-ZAF aussies out of the fire.
MAS-B: This ex-FSP-B would probably be in the 'Delighted' category but for a bunch of internecine drama during the first days of its founding.
Corps I am Neutral Towards:
Newer and/or Smaller Russian Corps: I don't speak Russian, so it's very hard for me to determine whether I should be pleased or displeased with FSP-B after the MAS-B split, FST, RosAviaCosmos, or the 'nearly personal' corps like Foxden's Specnaz or Berzerk Squad. Until recently we had no way to judge how well a Russian corp was doing, but the creation of the auto-translate crosspost system and 'fc translators' means that we've seen a massive Russian turnout on eurotime ops. We've only had the crosspost system functioning for about two weeks, and that's not enough data for me to be making any judgment calls on.
DS1: OldPueblo is a doll. He's in Illum, I get along smashingly with him. But we've had a couple of incidents from DS1 folks this month that leave me markedly displeased, both involving petty squabbles over ratting. In one, former leader CEO Pyrex blew up a Sigma's drake for ratting in 'his space', and then hurfed a lot a blurfs about how he'd cancel supercapital builds or not pay his taxes if we disapproved. This is unacceptable. Note to all membercorps: You do not 'have space'. You may have a station, but that does not translate into 'ownership' or the right to shoot anyone in the surrounding zone. Similarly, the other incident involved a DS1 guy trying to 'RoR' newbies out of space which was entirely legal to rat in. Incidents like these do not reflect well upon one of our oldest membercorps.
Corps I am Actively Concerned With:
KMW, NED-Clan: Consistently low participation on eurotime strategic ops. Fix it.
What I've been up to:
New Cap Fittings: We have had a massive overhaul to our cap fittings, which were on the bleeding edge of design around when grunge was hip and trendy. This provoked a massive all-director, all-fc meeting in which I tried valiantly to keep Bring and Lucas from squabbling like the sexually frustrated teenaged boys that they actually are. After tremendous sturm und drang, we are now regularly entering siege five minutes before towers come out and half-cycling them; from the very self-satisfied 'heh's of the dread jocks, I've dubbed this 'smugcycling'. The whole business had made recent cap ops quick and stress-free.
Daytime TV, CEO Edition: Up until last week, I had been a lucky CEO; I hadn't had to resolve intra-directorate slapfights. Four days ago there was an outbreak of catastrophic mass-PMS and I wasted an entire day handholding directors and trying to pry their cheeto-stained fingers away from each other's disturbingly pasty white necks. Things should be running smoothly again, as I found that in order to restore order all I had to do was threaten to director Bring. I might still unironically promote the poor kid, since he's been doing such a damn good job as cap fc. Beware!
SOTG: We haven't had one in a while. The idea is not to speechify at length (as I get flashed whenever I try to do that) but to have a big gay Q&A session so people can pepper me with questions about Stella Polaris and OWN. Ugh.
Overview packs: There's now a thread including modern standardized overviews, unlike the out-of-date Fryrr pack. You all should use this 'Aryth pack', because nothing says military impotence like a FC ordering 'shoot the fighter bombers' and half the fleet not being able to load them due to using pre-Dominion overviews.
Drake Nerfs: As Endie mentioned in his update, it looks like the Drake (and thus Shieldfleet) are on the chopping block. This is why we have been training for both Shield and Armorfleets; make sure you can fly something bigger than a Tacklemaller (assuming you are not a newbie) in our Armor gangs. Guardians, Zealots, Vagabonds, Fleet Stabbers - all of those will allow us to win in the hypothetical post-Drake environment.
OWN Back in the Spotlight: During the height of the OWN drama, Teredrum asked us nicely if his alliance could have a 'week off' to allow tensions to cool down. Of course, in public, his statements remained belligerent to a point of fault. We granted the week's cooling-off period, and that is over now.
And that's it. In other news, I've written another column, this time about the rather worrying collapse of the Atlas/AAA bloc and what that means strategically for us - depending on how the NC attack on the Drone Russians goes, it may mean MAX v3, another invasion by IT.